Ball & Chain
By John M. Twomey
Copyright John M. Twomey
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(in order of appearance)
TOMMY SULLIVAN - in his early 30s
KATIE HOGAN - in her early 30s
ROGER SCHMIDT - in his early 30s
MARGO SCHMIDT - in her mid 30s
VINNY MARINARA - in his early 30s
Settings
The living room of Margo and Roger Schmidt and the back corner table of a sports bar.
Both are in Queens, New York.
Time
Late Spring, the present.
Act I, Scene 1
Margo and Roger Schmidt’s living room, in a middle-class neighborhood in Queens, New York.
The front door to the house is at stage rear, as are several windows. A hall stage right leads to the dining room, kitchen and bathroom. A stairway stage left leads upstairs. A sofa, coffee table and several easy chairs are stage center. Near the hall are a bookcase and television and near the stairs are a fireplace with a large clock and candy dish on top. There is a stickball bat leaning against the bookcase and a cordless phone on the coffee table.
The lighting has a dream-like quality. It’s dark, bluesy, like night outside. Upbeat, danceable rock music is playing. A couple, Tommy Sullivan and Katie Hogan, are dancing. They are both in their early 30s and attractive. He is wearing a tuxedo; she is wearing a wedding dress. Their dancing matches the music--fast and upbeat. They are having a good time.
They dance all over the room. When they reach the stairs, the music stops. Katie exits up the stairs. Tommy pulls off his tuxedo and drops it behind the sofa.
The lighting changes to show that it is a sunny afternoon. Tommy is now wearing jeans and a New York Mets T-shirt. He picks up a newspaper, sits on the arm of the sofa, and starts flipping through it.
Tommy is looking at the newspaper but paying more attention to the conversation he hears from the hall. He finds the conversation amusing.
MARGO (OS)
Were you playing with Mary this morning?
ROGER (OS)
No, Margo.
MARGO (OS)
You didn’t talk to her today?
ROGER (OS)
No, honey.
MARGO (OS)
Had no contact with her?
ROGER (OS)
No, sweetheart.
MARGO (OS)
Are you sure?
ROGER (OS)
Yes, dear.
MARGO (OS, yelling)
Look at her!
Tommy, still holding his newspaper, gets up and stands by the front door.
ROGER (OS, nervous)
She looks fine.
MARGO (OS)
Her hair is all out of place.
ROGER (OS)
The wind. The window is open.
MARGO (OS)
I just brushed her hair. Wait...what’s this? Roger, were you eating chocolate today?
Roger scurries in from the hall, looking back over his shoulder. He’s a thin, soft man in his early 30s.
MARGO (OS)
Roger!
Margo now enters. She’s a few years older than Roger and has a tough, no-nonsense look about her. She’s holding a Barbie-like doll.
MARGO
There’s a chocolate fingerprint on Mary’s face.
ROGER
Maybe Mary got hungry.
MARGO
Mary’s on a diet. Roger...
Margo takes a step towards Roger. Roger backs away.
ROGER
She fell off the kitchen table. I just picked her up.
MARGO
Don’t you touch Mary.
Margo places her doll on the bookcase and then takes a book as Roger approaches the front door. Tommy opens the door for him. Margo throws the book at Roger as he runs out the door. The book almost hits Tommy.
MARGO
Excuse me.
Margo chases Roger out the front door. Tommy watches.
TOMMY
Run, Roger, run. Run for the hills.
Katie enters from the stairs. She is now wearing a casual skirt and blouse.
KATIE
What did he do now?
TOMMY
Breath too loudly? Who knows.
Tommy and Katie embrace. He spins her around.
TOMMY
Will you be as sweet a wife to me as my sister is to Roger?
KATIE
If you behave yourself.
Tommy lets go of Katie and steps away.
TOMMY
And if I don’t?
KATIE
You’ll run faster than Roger.
TOMMY
Tough words.
KATIE
You’re marrying a tough woman.
TOMMY
So she says.
KATIE
You starting with me?
TOMMY
Yeah, I am. What are you going to do about it?
KATIE
Just watch me.
Katie moves towards Tommy in mock anger.
TOMMY
You don’t scare me.
Tommy moves towards Katie, she laughs and then he chases her around the room. He catches her, and then they embrace in a passionate and somewhat suggestive manner. Margo reenters through the front door and watches with disgust.
MARGO
Just like jackrabbits.
Tommy and Katie end their embrace.
MARGO
And in my living room.
TOMMY
I said I’d stay with Katie and her family until our place is ready.
MARGO
Before the wedding? Nonsense!
KATIE
Did you catch him?
MARGO
I’ll get him later. He didn’t go far.
TOMMY
One day he’ll keep running.
MARGO
He worships the ground I walk on.
TOMMY
If you weren’t my sister, I’d might tell him to start running now.
MARGO
That’s a terrible thing to say.
TOMMY
I’ll get him sneakers for his birthday.
MARGO
I love Roger.
TOMMY
You have a funny way of showing it.
MARGO
I love Roger, and he knows it.
TOMMY
You treated Harold better.
KATIE
An old boyfriend?
TOMMY
The dog we had when we were growing up.
KATIE
I thought she ran him over.
MARGO
(defensive)
I still had my learners permit. He recovered.
TOMMY
But was never again able to lift his leg. Had to squat the rest of his life.
KATIE
Poor dog.
TOMMY
He was humiliated.
Tommy gets down on his hands and knees as if a dog and pretends to bite Margo’s leg.
MARGO
Stop that!
Margo steps away.
KATIE
Coach Randolph called this morning. He can’t make it to the wedding.
TOMMY
(not disappointed)
What a shame.
KATIE
Be nice. He’s your boss.
TOMMY
He’s an asshole.
KATIE
He’ll retire one day. You’ll become coach, things will turn around.
TOMMY
He could be in a wheelchair and on a respirator...he still wouldn’t retire. The bastard won’t even make me a full-time assistant coach. I have to teach those damn adjunct health classes.
KATIE
Things will turn around. Just have hope.
TOMMY
Oh, I have hope. It’s just not--
KATIE
--I was given the O’Brien case. As soon as we come back from Italy, I start. If I win this, I could become a junior partner.
Tommy doesn’t respond to Katie’s good news.
KATIE
You could show a little excitement.
TOMMY
(forced)
That’s great, honey.
Tommy hugs Katie and then breaks away. He picks up the stickball bat leaning against the bookcase and takes a swing.
TOMMY
Roger had better come back soon. I have to call Vinny...we’re supposed to play stickball this afternoon.
MARGO
Stickball?
TOMMY
We’ll find a pickup game at the school yard.
MARGO
You’re getting married in a few days.
TOMMY
My arm feels good today. I could throw a couple of innings.
MARGO
Oh, grow up.
TOMMY
Grow up? This coming from the woman who plays with dolls.
MARGO
Mary’s not a toy. She’s a collectable.
TOMMY
But you’re the only collector.
MARGO
Go ahead, make fun of me.
Margo steps over to the bookcase and strokes her Mary doll’s hair.
MARGO
Make fun of my hobby, make fun of my writing.
Tommy cringes upon hearing the mention of Margo’s writing.
KATIE
You write?
Unseen to Margo, Tommy gestures to Katie that she change the subject.
MARGO
(proudly)
Inspirational stories for children. Would you like me to read one?
KATIE
Sure...
Katie notices Tommy gesturing.
KATIE
...but after the wedding.
MARGO
It won’t take long.
KATIE
Things are so hectic now, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.
MARGO
(put off)
Whatever suits you. When I have my child I’m going to read her inspirational stories every day.
KATIE
You’re pregnant?
MARGO
I’m not, yet. But Roger and I want to have a child.
TOMMY
You want a child.
MARGO
And Roger does. Roger wants what I want.
TOMMY
If he knows what’s good for him.
MARGO
Roger appreciates my stories. He thinks I have talent, unlike other people in my family.
TOMMY
All right. Read your story. We’ll listen.
MARGO
I’m not in the mood any longer.
Margo turns away, seeming to want them to beg her. They disregard her game.
KATIE
Did you pick up your dress yet?
MARGO
I will this afternoon.
KATIE
Good. I’m sure you’ll look smashing in it.
MARGO
I was a June bride too.
KATIE
June weddings are romantic.
MARGO
It was such a wonderful day.
Tommy laughs. Margo is momentarily annoyed but doesn’t respond.
MARGO
(to Kate, giddy)
I just love being a bridesmaid.
KATIE
(forced)
And I just love having you as a bridesmaid.
MARGO
But I just wish you’d taken my suggestion and--
KATIE
Tommy...
TOMMY
Margo...it’s Katie’s wedding.
MARGO
I just want to help.
Tommy glances out the window.
TOMMY
I think I see Roger.
MARGO
He won’t get away this time.
Margo storms out the front door.
KATIE
She wants to take over.
TOMMY
She means well.
KATIE
But it’s my wedding.
TOMMY
Our wedding.
KATIE
Our wedding.
TOMMY
You should have seen her wedding.
KATIE
Probably like a day at boot camp.
TOMMY
Close. She timed the final rehearsals with a stopwatch. Roger had to practice walking down the aisle 12 times before he got it right.
Roger emerges from the hall.
ROGER
Thirteen times.
KATIE
You got away?
ROGER
(proudly)
I pretended to run around the block and hid in the garage.
KATIE
Good for you, Roger.
TOMMY
You should have seen Margo’s bridesmaids. You know how bridesmaids are supposed to have matching dresses and hairdos?
KATIE
Yeah.
TOMMY
Margo’s bridesmaids also had matching skin tones. She sent them to a tanning salon so they were color-coordinated.
KATIE
You’re kidding.
TOMMY
One bridesmaid had a tan line showing.
ROGER
Margo fired her.
KATIE
You can’t fire a bridesmaid.
ROGER
Margo can.
KATIE
A subversive with a tan line. I like it.
ROGER
Otherwise, things went fine.
TOMMY
Not quite.
ROGER
Yes, quite.
TOMMY
Sort of. Except for--
ROGER
I care not to remember that incident.
KATIE
What happened?
TOMMY
You tell it, Roger.
ROGER
I don’t recall.
KATIE
Come on, Roger. For me?
Katie takes Roger’s arm but he pulls away.
KATIE
Party-pooper.
TOMMY
The ceremony was progressing flawlessly. Everything was timed perfectly, just as Margo had planned it. Until it came time for Roger to put the ring on her finger.
ROGER
I don’t want to hear this.
TOMMY
Roger’s brother, the best man, handed Roger the ring, but Roger dropped it. It rolled into one of the pews. Roger was going to fake it since no one had seen what had happened, but Margo would have none of it. She made Roger crawl around on his hands and knees until he found it.
KATIE
(to Roger)
And did you find it?
ROGER
Under the foot of someone who’d stepped in doggy-do.
KATIE
You wiped it off?
ROGER
Of course.
TOMMY
But all the wiping in the world couldn’t get rid of the smell.
ROGER
The stench.
TOMMY
Roger became nauseous.
ROGER
I turned away.
TOMMY
And threw up on one of the bridesmaids.
KATIE
The poor girl.
TOMMY
Margo insisted the ceremony go on, dripping vomit and all. And the funny thing is--
KATIE
The funny thing?
TOMMY
The funny thing is that the bridesmaid he puked on was the replacement for the bridesmaid with the tan line.
Margo enters through the front door.
MARGO
(accusingly)
Roger...
ROGER
I am innocent, dear. Mary fell off the kitchen table. I just picked her up.
MARGO
Honest?
ROGER
Honest.
Margo takes the doll from the bookcase and strokes its hair.
MARGO
(to Roger)
We have to fix her hair.
Margo holds up her Mary doll so Katie can see it.
MARGO
(to Katie)
Mary’s going to the Teddy Awards tonight.
KATIE
Teddy Awards?
Roger rests his head on Margo’s shoulder.
ROGER
Mary’s up for a segment she produced on the Minneapolis school system. Murray’s also up for a news writing award, but he never wins.
KATIE
(catching on)
Is Rhoda going too?
ROGER
No. She’s already moved to New York.
Margo exits. Roger notices a doll shoe on the bookcase and picks it up.
ROGER
Margo, dear, you forgot Mary’s shoe.
Roger follows Margo. Katie watches him and then looks at Tommy in disbelief.
KATIE
I hope this thing isn’t genetic. I want normal kids.
TOMMY
Better Mary Richards than Marcia Brady.
END OF SCENE